I'm awful at cleaning my bike - where am I going wrong?

This article is part of a series called ‘A love letter to…’ where Cycling Weekly writers (usually) pour praise on their favourite cycling items and share the personal connection they have with them. In this case, however, our news writer has penned a break-up letter to cleaning his bike.

The below content is unfiltered, authentic and has not been paid for.

As I type these words, I do so with black-tipped fingers, bashing the keyboard with frustration. Each letter I press is sullied by a darkened blotch. I try to wipe the buttons clean, but my attempts are futile, and eventually I give up and embrace the dirt.

If someone were to look at my hands right now, I imagine they’d think one of three things: either I’ve been stroking the underside of an old car, spent the morning finger-painting, or I’ve just reenacted the scene from Matilda where the boy eats an enormous chocolate cake without cutlery. The reality is I’ve done none of the sort. No, reader, all I did was clean my bike. And that was three days ago now.

You see, I’m sure I’m doing something wrong when I wash my two-wheeled steed. It’s one of those tasks in life I was never really taught how to do, like filing taxes, or brushing my teeth. People just expect that you’ll figure it out, or know how to do it. Well, I do not, that much is clear. My bike appears to get cleaner, and I seem to get dirtier, shifting the grime onto my own clothes and skin. Afterwards, I’m never dazzled by the end results.

I normally start by making the bike as wet as I can. We’re talking buckets of warm water, usually laced with washing-up liquid (if I can be bothered), chucked over the whole thing. I then wipe it with a cloth, flip the bike upside down, and spray degreaser on the chain and cassette - I rarely take the wheel off, because who’s got time for that?

The fun bit is working the degreaser into the drivetrain. I take a toothbrush, and hold it against the chain as I whir the back wheel by hand with the pedals. Often, I’ll get overexcited here and see how fast I can make the wheel spin. The answer is always very fast, which probably explains my oil-flecked clothes.

Once the degreaser has been thoroughly applied, I start to rub it away with a cloth. At this point, though, I’m beginning to tire of the whole process. My attention slips, the cloth snags in the chainring, and my temper starts to bubble. I give it a final, half-hearted spritz of water, and retreat back inside to wash my hands. Three days later, my fingers are still stained.

For many, cleaning one’s bike is a mindful task. Some see it as a ritual, a bonding moment of appreciation for your companion, who carries you down country lanes and over mountain summits. I see it as a chore. I avoid doing it in the summer, and in the winter months – when my bike most needs it – it’s the last thing I want to do. Expect me to step back outside into the cold, horizontal rain? No thank you. I wish I could turn pro just so someone has to do it for me.

Please don’t think I’m totally ignorant, though. I often give it a good go. Cleaning one’s bike is among the most environmentally positive things you can do with your day-to-day cycling, ensuring the parts last longer, and less goes to waste. This is something I repeat to myself while I’m scrubbing, but for all my efforts, it never looks brand new.

Maybe I just need better products. Maybe I should buy an ultrasonic chain cleaner, like the one they have in my local bike shop. Maybe I shouldn’t use the same cloth on both the chain and the frame. Maybe, just maybe, I should try a little bit harder.

This last point is one I’m really beginning to explore – I'm sure we can all be a bit guilty of it.

Over the past few weeks, Instagram’s algorithms have been pushing me video after video of people cleaning their bikes. I think the overlords have noticed my failings and are now sending me signs, as many of them as I'm willing to scroll through. My feed has been inundated with suds and jet washers, and with each clip I watch, I feel a wave of motivation to get my own bike in shiny order.

I just have to figure out how to get that same feeling when I return frozen from a 60km ride. I’m working on it. But in the meantime, I need to go wash my hands again.